Here is the first issue:
A newsletter dedicated to proving once
and for all that Nate is the new messiah.
Hello. My name is Nate. I am a student at the Potomac School. I am 6 feet tall and I used to weigh 175 lbs. (Now I weigh 150 because I had Mono and I lost like 20 lbs) My turn ons include long walks in the park, candle light dinner and stomachs (seriously) My turn offs include fat people, Canadians and feet. My hobbies include driving on peoples front lawn with Jamie’s Volvo, sulking, and just “chillin”. Yes I do subscribe to Playboy. And I have a really large 8”... knife. I want to be Hugh Hefner. Anyway the point of this newsletter is for me to get attention. But if anybody asks I’m doing so that people can get a better insight in to the man that is Nate Smith. By the way this is not going to be funny. Also I’m not illiterate I just writing fast with no proof reading and I cant spell, pleas bear with me. I’m gonna have some lists and random plugs for stuff I like and other stuff well here it goes...
FRIENDS(?)
I have three friends that I hang out with regularly, and I figure you should get acquainted with them if you are going to read this... they will be mentioned. First we have Keith Newell. He has long flowing golden locks and wears a Navy Seals hoodie all the time. He has a tendency to do stupid things for the amusal of others. Second Jamie Green. Jamie represents cool, witch is probably why I get so pissed when he acts like a friggin’ hippy. He and Keith are actually Monkeys. Eech! Then there is Marshall. Marshall is punk rock. He is always trying to save the world and at the same time break stuff. Oh well. Anyway I have other friends (FBC, Gayle Tommy O., el Capitán, Smack, EmSpice21), but I hang with them less regularly, or not at all. Okay thats it.
CLASSIFIEDS
Love me, hug me, shower me with kisses.
I’m looking for any Miami Dolphins memorabilia because I'm a looser.
Jamie is looking for skinny flat bottomed ties because he’s jazzy!
I want novelty socks- give them to me.
I’m looking for strange WAVAesque music from ‘90-‘91, especially House of Pain.
I’m looking for love in all the wrong places.
Wanted: a sense of humor. (seriously I want to be funny)
The end.
QUESTION FROM NATE:
When I came back to school after having mono everybody was all nice to me asking how I was and stuff. People who I’ve never talked to before. Some girl that goes to my school said “Hi” to me when I saw her outside of school. I had never talked to her and I never will again. If you died I would feel obliged to go to your funeral and you would probably go to mine. Why? Why is human nature so compassionate sometimes and so horrible other times. Don’t come to my funeral...
THE HOT/NOT HOT LIST:
Hot Not
Nate You
Twisted Sister Backstreet Boys
New Kids on the Block *N SYNC
Treasure Trove J Crew
Gayle Max
The Tom Green Show Party of Five
TSOTM The Mafia
Novelty Socks Feet
ICP All other new rap
Root Beer Anything else
Suicide Cults McLean Bible Cult
Thieves Guilds Springfield Arts Guild
Sahar Preteens
13 Year Old Girls Uhh... Forget That I Said That....
Fire Ice
My New Religion Chrisianity, Judaism, ect.
Man Bites Dog The Faculty
VIP Hyperian Bay
USA Those damn Iraqi bastards.
Howard Stern Everything on radio
Chelsey Monica
2-Pac No, Wait. He’s Dead.
WWF WCW/NWO
Losing 20 lbs Mono
Sleeping Reading This God Awful Newsletter
QUOTES
“My favorite type of music is that 2-Pac song.”
“I laugh at nothing. Ha Ha Ha! You are nothing.”
“You mean I can not have an onion.”
“It’s your fault I hate ska.”
“Oh you didn’t know? You ass better call some body!”
“If you love me you will obey my command”- Jesus
“What are you? Some kinda snake?”
“I am Scuba Hood. I rob from the poor and give to the rich. Put this in your coffers!”
“Can I get a light?”
“Johnny have you ever been to a Turkish prison?”
“Ah, go work on you wheely.”
“*N Sync is happier, not sending any specific message except dance and be happy!”
“I’ve got two words for you... SUCK IT!”
“You look happy. Kill yourself.”
PACEY
Quite a few people have said I look like Pacey from Dawson’s Creek. I didn’t know if this was a compliment. I asked two girls. One said he was cute the other said he was fat. I had to see for myself. I saw the show and discovered 2 things: One: I kinda do look like him and Two: I don’t want to. The guy is a tool. A bunch of Potomac girls (who some how see me completely differently from all other girls) have told me I’m much uglier than he is. I disagree. I’m much better looking, and I could kick his ass!
HAPPILY BITTER
Being happily bitter is an art which I believe I have mastered. With my simple tips you to can be on you way to a life of bitter bliss. Ever since I came to Potomac I was treated as an outsider. I guess it’s not Potomac’s fault. I haven’t exactly lived up to the standards of Potomac. Anyway, I was treated differently just because I’m not the model Potomac student. From fourth through tenth grade I hated my life and I hated school. I wanted to be liked by the kids that I thought were better than me, however on the 7 Springs ski trip my sophomore year I came to a realization: I’m better than you. Simply I decided that I was better than everyone else. It seems selfish but it helped me greatly. Now I friggin’ love my life, hell, I don’t even mind Potomac that much. What! Nate, I thought you hated Potomac? Ha! That's the secret, pretend you hate everything. I mean don’t get me wrong, It’s not like I’m socializing with the “cool kids”, I really don’t do any work. It’s not just an image thing, but it is a game. I enjoy looking down on everyone. It’s a great feeling. I just sit back and watch you all tick. I say things to you just to get a reaction. Wow, Nate, your really cool, now I realize that you are better than me! See that's just the game, truthfully I know you are all better students than me, you’ll probably all be lawyers or something while I’m sleeping in a refrigerator box somewhere, but I’ll still be happy. As long as you can trick yourself into believing that your superior, you begin to enjoy life. Twenty years from now I’ll be cleaning your house while you work away at your little lawyering things. You’ll have tons of money and everything, but you’ll be too busy to spend it. I on the other hand I’ll be cleaning your room, while in my head I’ll be looking down on you! Me, but I’m so successful and important, I should be looking down on you! Once again you miss the point. You will be looking down on me, but I’ll be making fun of you for thinking your better than me! Now I know my system is hypocritical, selfish, and mean, but that's the point. I make the rules. You too can be like me. Recently I have completely abandoned all aspects of my former life and replaced them with Jamie Green and Keith “Briefs” Newell. We drive around and make fun of you! We know that your socially more exceptable than us, but we don’t care. We would much rather run through Tyson’s screaming at random people than going to a lacrosse game. Now I know this is hard to understand, but try. In my mind Abercrombie is NOT cool. Nate, you know very well that you can’t be cool without Abercrombie and girls won’t like you! Oh no! I’m not cool... poor me! I know in my head that Jamie’s skinny flat bottomed ties and communist pins are cooler than Polo! I know that Keith’s Chucks are much cooler than Timberlands! I know that my random and sometimes bizarre wardrobe is cooler than everything at Gap, J Crew and Urban Outfitters combined. Spend a Saturday with the three of us and you’ll see what cool is. All it takes is a different point of view, you can be happy! It may take years of conditioning but eventually you can end up like me: socially unacceptable, bitter, annoying, and having more fun that your preppie ass will ever have! Thanks for the edumacation ,Nate. No problem...
THINGS I LIKE
The Tom Green Show
The Tom Green Show is the funniest thing on television. It is on on Mondays on Mtv at 10:30. Yes its worth missing wrestling to see. I can’t explain why, but Tom Green embodies cool. I will be him when I grow up. WATCH IT!
Man Bites Dog
Man Bites Dog is about a documentary film crew who follows a psychopathic killer around filming him killing people. It is in French with subtitles. It is amazing. It is the best movie I have seen in years. RENT IT!
Stomachs
Mmmm stomachs. So pretty. Give me a girl with a nice stomach any day. She could have a beard and a leg growing out her neck for all I care. The best part about liking stomachs it that you can get a girl to show you her stomach much more easily than getting her to show you her.... ummmm lets just say no one ever gets mad at me for staring at there tummy. POKE IT!
Root Beer
Faygo is my new fav, but Ill take any any time. Nothing else will do. If you drink rootbeer you can be “Tuff” like me (That’s right Keith... I said “Tuff”). DRINK IT!
The Insane Clown Posse
These guys rock. Juggalos unite! ICP is in the mother f*ckin haugh! The might tour with Vanilla Ice soon. The shows are amazing. Get Faygo all over you, laugh, knock someone out, or whatever. You’ll have one helluva night. There new album comes out any week now. GET IT!
WWF Raw is War
Pro-wresteling isn’t just for white trash and little kids anymore. Its just a big, funny, interesting soap opera with amazing moves. The wrestlers have amazing skills and all of the moves hurt. It’s not fake, its just fixed. You know who’s gonna win but not how. It’s on on USA on Mondays at 9:00. Sports entertainment at its best. WATCH IT! (HOLLYWOOD HULK HOLGAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2000!!!!)
The Simpsons
The Simpsons are really cool. You allready knew that. Good for you! The best part is the donuts... Mmmm donuts... I like donuts! EAT THEM!
Capitol Radio
Capitol Radio is a program on WJFK on Saturdays from 10PM to 1AM. Don’t listen to it all or you might miss Howard Stern (Sat night or sun morning 12 or 1 depending on local listings on a CBS affiliate most likely WB50) but listen to some of it. It has great Punk and Indie rock as well as some weird stuff and interesting guests. My friend Sam works for ‘em so its gotta be okay. LISTEN TO IT!
America
America Rules! This is a great country no matter what anyone says, however it can get better. Injustice is everywhere and you can do something to help. Write congress, donate money, volunteer. Start a grass roots counter culture revolution for the benefit of everyone. Go to unamerican.com for some ideas. Its about protesting for the good of the country. The 371 richest people in the world have the same amount of money as the 2,250,000,000 poorest people. Thats not right. Something can and will be done... for Americas sake. LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT!
THINGS I HATE
Boy Bands
Boy bands are evil. Everything that they stand for is evil. Mass produced crappy emotionless dribble. Music should have soul. I feel bad for the boy bands themselves. I’m sure when they first started singing the were like “lets sell out and make lots of money at the price of our soul, the music we love and self respect.” I blame the teenyboppers.
Canada
Canadians are evil. People ask me why. To tell you the truth I have no real answer. I figure I need to hate someone and its better that hating the blacks and the Jews. Now that can get you in trouble.... Join my army. Once I reach 1000 members we will take over Canada. (I’ve made buttons!!!)
People who walk on the wrong side of the hall
People who walk on the wrong side of the hall are evil. Go through the right door and walk on the right side of the hall. Think of it this way “Right is right!”. You would never go in to a lane of on coming traffic just because there was a little jam up a head. That’s how accidents happen. Walk on the correct and right side of the hall. Oh yea another thing... WALK, you people just stand around talking! go some where else... I have to get to free period.
Abercrombie
Abercrombie is evil. It’s pretty obvious why I hate this company. They market clothes that look old. Why can’t you go to a thrift store and get the clothes for next to nothing. It shouldn’t be all about the brand. Nobody should pay 24$ for a wife beater just because it says Abercrombie on it.
Feet
Feet are evil. They make me sick. Put on some friggin’ shoes. Just ware cool novelty socks like me. I’ll leave it at that.
Girls
Girls are evil. I’m not gay or anything, I just can’t stand girls. You take ever thing too seriously (Landon seriously!) and I can’t take it any more. Why can’t you all just be chill. Stop being such chicks. Hang out with us and act normally. I don’t know why I have to act differently around you. Grrrrr. Suck it up. (no pun intended)
Everything else
Everything else is evil. It looks to me like I'm much more passionate about things I like than I dislike. It doesn't seem like that some times. Oh well. I’ll deal with it.
ADVISE FROM NATE:
If a person doesn't mean anything to you, don’t let what they say get you down. If a friend talks badly about you talk to them about it work it out. Deal with your friends tell everyone else to go to hell. Be selective, it’s much easier to hate than it is to love.
MUSIC
I have so many strong feelings about music and none of them are very funny so Ill just mention a few. I’ve already covered ICP, Twisted Sister, and the boy bands but there is so much more... For example the senior lounge plays the same 4 rap songs over and over. Nobody else gets a turn. Its ridiculous. I know every 2-Pac, Biggy and Puffy song there is. The radio should have stayed broken (I know who broke it by the way... and I’m not telling). Speaking of the lounge, the vandalism has gotten out of hand.. GOOD JOB GUYS keep it up. Its really funny to come in in the morning and find new holes and more broken glass. It’s great. Any way as I was saying. The exploitation of swing sucks. It used to be so cool, but now it is really trendy, you already ruined ska why ruin swing... Um... new music isn’t cool. Elvis is. Rockabilly is. Everything on Z104 isn’t. God I miss WAVA... Marshall has a new band the Scam and Jamie, Keith, Barry and I have a new Succo band: Monkey Hänz. We rock. I can’t take this anymore. Its 12:11, I have mono, I should be sleeping, but ill forget what to rant about tomorrow... your lucky you caught me in this mood... Music runs my life... I need help.
DRINKIN’ AN’ DRIVIN’
I don’t drink or do drugs (except heroin and PCP). If you ask my why I have my reasons, but you aren’t cool enough to hear them. Only smoke Lucky Strikes Unfiltered because you’ll die faster that way, and it makes you tuff(there’s that word again Keith). Oh yeah if your going to drink you might as well drive so you can kill lots of little babies and hopefully you’ll survive and you can do it again!!! CRACK IS GOOD FOOD!
TSOTM
TSOTM was not responsible for the firework on Huffman’s porch and they are not the fantem phorkers, you will see more from TSOTM, but not until you least expect it HA HA HA!!
DEEP THOUGHTS BY NATE
The internet makes me sick. Every time I go online I see lots of people but nobody will talk to me. I wish I had a key board.... HA HA HA NOT FUNNY!!!!!
The internet does make me sick, people are so much more up front on the internet. Everyone acts like me. All of a sudden everyone is ready to tell everyone what they really feel... when I do it its to get attention or its mean... but on the internet its not face to face.... i pity you all. my email is tommyy53@aol.com, xigorx@geocities.com, ssnake@erols.com and I'm gonna get a hotmail account soon. Don't use the xigorx one i might not check it. I share the tommyy with my dad so don't say any thing obscene... word is born.
JOKE
Why did the Chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did the Frog cross the road? He was stapled to the Chicken. Why did the Mouse cross the road? He was hot glue gunned to the Frog. Why did the Potomac Student cross the road? Peer pressure. HA! ( I made this up, but I’m sure you stopped reading this pages ago.)
SOME RANDOM THINGS I BELIEVE IN (or at least pretend to)
Free Leonard Peltier! Free Mummia! Free Mike Tyson! Pee Wee all is forgiven! Gun control sucks... if guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns! (like me Keith and Jamie). Vanilla Ice is cool. That guy Eminem is cool except his name should be M&M. Volvos are cool, but not as cool as Amerrican ones. Civilization, Monkeys Island, and Worms are the best CPU games ever (in fact they are the only video games I play) Krappa the Rappa is cool to. Go to rallies, support the scene, fight injustice.... bla bla bla. Vegetarians are stupid. If your not supposed eat cows why are they made of meat. ‘’Haven't you heard of the food chain”. It’’s all about Bovine U. I got in to Penn State, pretty good for a failure like myself. Cool Bumper sticker (Marshall made this up): I hope you break your rubber neck!” Dr. Bronner's liquid soap and Murry’s pomade are rushes! G. Yo! Word to your mother!!!
THE END?
Well thats it, I'm pretty much done ranting. I was going to mention porn and Bill Clinton but we’ll save politics for another time. If more than half of the people who read this don't make fun of me to my face Ill put out another one. Let me know what you think about what's going on inside my illiterate mind. I like talking about myself so give me a call if you want to here some stories or random rants about society:
703-548-XXXX. Ladies... get in touch. Oh well I guess I'm done now... oh god i have 6 pages to spell check... i also need to cut this down to five pages...so i can make a cover, but maybe ill stretch it to seven pages instead and then there will be more paper for you to throw away.... oh go away I’m bitter... happily bitter :)! <---I hate these things........
PS.
Jamie and Keith read this and they didn’t think it was that funny or interesting so I don’t know why the hell you made it to this part of the newsletter with out passing out. Maybe you just skipped most of it... well if you made it here thanks for your time. Amen.
I am so self-absorbed. It’s almost scary.