As you may already know by now, on April 22nd, less than one month ago, several people (including myself) lost our creative workspace, rehearsal space and most importantly our home to a devastating fire and I have temporarily relocated to Louisville, Kentucky. Yes, I am coming back, however I am not certain when. My father had purchased, as a birthday gift to me, a round trip ticket to Louisville so that I could attend the 134th Kentucky Derby, an event I had been waiting to fall on my 29th birthday since I was a little girl. My family and close friends encouraged me to continue my plans in the wake of the fire and I am glad I did: it was magical. I blew out a candle alone on my birthday and it was fine. On the eve of my return flight to NYC I realized that I had nothing to come home to and that staying in Kentucky to regroup and relax was a much better option than jumping back into the hurried and competitive pace of Gotham. I believe I made the right decision. After all, staying on my ex-boyfriend’s couch (we all ended up at our exes in the days after the fire) seemed like a giant step backward and I am determined to continue progressing. (Plus I am certain he didn’t really want me there anyway!)

Although by some incredible blessing no human was injured, we did lose our feline friend, Pilgrim. I am not sure how many of you have experienced or survived a residential fire (to those of you who have I can’t thank you enough for being there for me), but aside from the great monetary loss of possessions and the harsh reality of seeing who really is (or is not) there for you in times of great need, losing this animal seems to be the most heartbreaking aspect of the tragedy for me. This could be because I am notoriously allergic to — and thus averse to — cats, but I really loved him. I would dream about Pilgrim and wake up with him and tell him…I have attached his photo.

Every night my dreams are incredibly stressful and reflect some event having to do with the fire: my belongings that were lost, trying to save Pilgrim, our shattered collective, the separation of my close friends and the stress and adversity we are each individually and collectively experiencing. This has affected the way we are behaving toward one another, and although I am a realist and considering the circumstances, I have not experienced the sensitivity and kindness I give to others, and that hurts.  I was so happy to be where I had finally landed, and the future looked promising. Now, I know that there is a bigger plan somehow in the cards for me, and I know that I will make it to see those plans manifest. I also hope my friends from the house are truly friends and I will see them again. I miss them. I miss a lot of people right now and feel sad that more people I know have not reached out, if even to say hello.

Add to this that I am in a new and unfamiliar environment with new and unfamiliar people and new and unfamiliar surroundings and one might understand how it took me three weeks to be able to muster the strength to go to the Red Cross for assistance. I had posted myspace bulletins asking people I knew for things(with little response), my ex was kind enough to send me what few things I had left and some cash to float me and I think I have just been reeling, feeling sort of happy to be here but also incredibly overstimulated. I don’t have many of the things I need to survive, or what little I have left of what I DO have is about to be all used up. So, finally getting to the Red Cross today proved to be really unproductive: without proof of residency, there is nothing they can do for me. I wasn’t on the lease, and since I “waited too long” I am ineligible for financial assistance anyway. This was really impactive and painful for some reason. I have found a part-time job to tide me over and I begin Wednesday, and my strained finances are an additional burden, so I am glad to regain some structure. I went from having a weekly calendar to having no calendar, and for an organized producer like me, this is also devastating.

I will be featured in either the July/August or September/October issue of BUST magazine, so keep an eye out. That is something I am really looking forward to, actually.

So, these are my immediate needs. Thanks to those who have offered to help, and if you can do one small thing, ANYTHING, that would mean so much to me right now. I’m putting it all out there because people are asking and I am finally clear-headed enough to write it all down:

1. I am safe and living with a kind woman named Megen Wiley in a cute house. If anyone would like to send her flowers or anything to thank her for opening her home to a complete stranger (I will be paying rent come June 1st but up to now she hasn’t asked for a penny), that would make me really happy. Dan, whose room I am subletting, returns in mid-July. Hopefully by then I can think of (and afford) a way to thank him and have my life back in order a bit more.

2. I need you all to support VANS (the clothing and shoe company) because within ONE HOUR of finding out about my fire, I had a FedEx tracking number for a box full of clothes. Without VANS I would be wearing the dress Larken loaned me to wear to Derby. Every day. With heels.

3. I have one pair of socks. I also need black stretchy footless leggings (or American Apparel black stretchy pants) and fishnet stockings in a big way so I can WORK. I am a size small.

4. I need things from Rickys! Bobby pins, hairspray, shampoo, conditioner, styling creme, face wash, eye makeup remover and, while I’m at it, false eyelashes….you name it. My travel-size items are on their way out.

5. I need shorts! It’s HOT HERE! I’m a 4 or small. T-shirts, too. I don’t have any clothes!

6. I need to pay my accountant $250. His name is Marc Berger and his number is (212) 714-1805. His address is 450 Seventh Avenue, #2102, New York, NY 10123. I have not completed my 2007 taxes yet, but he did file an extension for me the week before the fire and my receipts and paperwork were not damaged as they were not in the house. I will deal with them when I come back. Also, if you need a great accountant, hang on to his information.

7. Any other essentials you might think of! little happy things. Or thoughts and prayers. Or just a postcard or note to let me know you’re all out there and even though I can’t be in NYC right now we’re actually friends/family/associates and my feelings are a result of the full moon or grief or trauma or stress and not that my life in NYC was filled with empty, false relations. (This is upsetting me the most lately…)

If you think someone else would like to help, please pass this along.

Thank you all so much, no matter what you can do. I need smiles!
I started a blog while I am here and have not been great at updating it but with some positivity and motivation, if you check back, I WILL write and you can stay up-to-date! ALSO: if you know anyone here, tell me!

Love

Kristine “Kiki” Rakowsky