one more one more friend abandons me in my time of need now i know it must be my fault everyone seems to know this ship is sinking they all scurry away from me, but thats okay its time i hit botom let the cold murky depths take me i need a reason to hate life its time i forceably alienate my self from everyone i once knew freiends are for ever? ha! fuck em all... fuck em all... i want to die i want to die but im not gonna kill myself thats just not fair to the people who care about me if they are people who care about me besides somone has to clean my body up so suiside is out but if i get hit by a bus you wont hear me complaining ill be dead a reason to live i felt this way before her maybe it's a little worse now but its allways the same for a few months i had a reason to live maybe one day ill find another but untill then ill spend my miserable life looking for a reason not to die easy to be mean its easier to be mean i dont want to hurt anyone i just want to laugh and smile but i cant smile, i forget how im suck an asshole to everyone and i cant help it i wish i was nice again nice and innocent before 4th grade before wrestling camp before i changed my mind i made a decision i stood up for myself i tried to be mean to be conceited to look out for myself it worked life was easier but i wish i could go back again before i lost my closest friends lost my good nature and my smile hit me with music bob marley was wrong when music hits it can hurt it hits with bullshit and propaganda it hurts with meaning and politics and memories many memories some good, some bad but its never just music, never just entertaintment dont get me wrong, music is a wonderful thing with out music i would have been gone years ago music helps me get threw it all but some times a song can cripple me or anger me... makes me cry but ill still listen cause when music hits, it can hurt but it can also heal why do i hate? why do i hate so passionatly? i walk threw the mall wanting to kill everyone every single tourist i feel the stench vile humanity it suffocates me why do i look at every person with distain? i see somone wearing abercrombie or kaki pants i discard them as worthless human filth yet they arent the people who locked me in the closet at summer camp they arent the kids who tormented me in middle school my parents they arent the ones standing apart they follow societies rules, way of dress yet i hate them i cant point to one person i know and say that i hate them they all seem to have something to offer yet the masses... everyone i do not yet know i hate how then can i make new friends? someone to talk to when im far from home i cant i wish i werent so hateful its not their fault is it? steryotypes there is this sea of steryotypes everywhere i look people conforming to conform even kids who are tryin not to fit in have their little uniforms the mohawks and the baggy pants all these subcultures trying to avoid fitting in yet they all dress the same, act the same i asked someone once why he did it he told me it was so he could get girls i explained that there are millions of guys better looking than him if he tries to look like them then hes the millionth guy a girl will look at but theres only one of me... i like my chances cause im the best of me instead of averagely normal testastarone is a disease testastarone is a disease a plague on this earth guys butting heads and trying to act hard to see wichone of them can drink the most beer get the most "pussy" lift the most weights whos the biggest man i suffer from this same sickness and i cant help it i see my self acting similary and it makes me ill i hate femmininty too but i can dismiss it unlike this cave man mentality that i see everyday even in myself one day someone will find a cure... and ill be the first to swollow the pill bordom i am bored i am allways bored however this boredom can be a positive i do anything in my power to eliminate it infact, the only thing that drives me to do anything is this insessent boredom causes masicistic things fun things dangerous things curoisty killed the cat boredom is gonna kill me but at least i wont be bored anymore searching for the bottom its only a matter of time before the bottom drops out its only a matter of time before i get beat up or fuck up beyond repair because ive learned two things from life life sucks for everyone and and no matter what happens, it will probably get worse and i know that no one can get by doing as little or pissing off as many people as i do with out something horrible happening no matter how brilliant i think i am now the question becomes do i try and avoid my fate? do i go searching for it? or do i do what i allways do? nothing... "normal" girls why aren't i attracted to "normal" girls? i know they are prety im sure they are nice wonderfull people just like the girls who have helped me out so many times before but for some reason i look at these girls all tarted up on a saturday night with discust you take any of these girls, give em some pink hair and a few peircings and im all over her but i just cant deal with the ugly lip gloss and the black streach pants the hoop earings and the jean jackets these girls could make me happy... but i dismiss them because of falce bullshit femizism i consiter myself a feminist What? You? You hate women! but i hate men as well... maybe worse You are an asshole to women. You mock them constantly! only because i want to treat them with equality but i need to stop hating them because they are women i need to hate them because they are people i need equality in my life... So are you saying that you are a hate filled sexist feminist? yes but i want everyone to be treated quealy and let me hate them as people and not women because i love my grand mother and my mother and many other amazing important women in my life i want to stop hating i seek out equality for women, at least with in myslef... i cant blame them all for the few that deserve it... or maybe i can but maybe i can find happiness in myself and stop the hate all together no hate for anyone... for crazy willy i wish i was skitsofrenic because i talk to my slef constantly i have long conversations, trying to figure everything out and i would love it if i had someone who would talk back even if it was a screaming deamon... the wrong side of life i hate waking up and feeling miserable i just wish i had a good side of the bed i want to wake up from a dream and smile with out thinking about how unhappy i am all day i wish i could be the person they want me to be i dont want to fight with my friends i want to wake up with no reason to argue i want to wake up alive... life sucks and it aint fair life sucks for everyone my life incomparison to so many is perfect but i am still misserable and have been for years WHAT THE FUCK!?