January Seraph

My friend January Seraph died a few days ago. I am not sure that there has been an official cause of death announced but based on what I have heard and what I know about January it sounds like it was suicide. January was a wonderful fucking human who dealt with severe depression and other mental problems. It’s something we have in common and is really how we first formed a bond.

January and I had been friends online for a long time but in 2014 I had Tweeted about depression and out of nowhere I got an email from her reaching out to tell me she was there for me. She told me about her depression and that I was too talented to be sad for too long. It was the sweetest email from someone who was nearly a stranger. It meant a lot to me.

A few months later I was in LA and was having a particularly bad day. I had some shoots canceled and I was in a terrible mood and once again I sent out a Tweet. This time it was about needing a model since people had flaked. January reached out. She lived in San Francisco but she was in LA. Less than an hour later she was in my hotel room and we were shooting.

January and I became instant friends after that. It seems crazy to me that I only knew her in real life for a few years. We bonded over depression, mutual friends and crazy stories of lives well lived. January was an internationally renowned dominatrix and when she would be in NYC working I would always hang out with her after she got off work and last summer when I did a west coast road trip I stayed with her in San Francisco twice once on the way up and once on the way down.

January was so generous and amazing. She offered to fly me to San Francisco once to visit because she was about to try some new experimental treatment for her depression and she wanted to hang out with me before it started. She told me that she had no problem spending money on her friends because she made enough money when she was working and wanted to spend it because she never knew how much time she would have left.

And that’s just the thing. Severe depression is like any other illness. If you can’t treat it, it’s terminal. It’s not a matter of if it’s going to kill you, it’s a matter of when. I have had so many friends take their own life and I have learned that there’s not much you can do. You can postpone it and try and get them help, but sometimes it’s just inevitable and that’s the saddest fucking thing. January tried every possible treatment she could find including some pretty extreme stuff, but it was just never enough and I don’t think there’s anything anyone could have done.

I think the main thing we can all do is talk about mental illness more. We need to treat it like any other illness or disability. If we can remove the shame from it maybe then people will feel more comfortable reaching out and asking for help.

So let me share a little bit of my story and maybe start a conversation that you guys can continue. I have had terrible depression my entire life. I have never been suicidal but I have never been happy for more than brief moments. It’s just this constant weight on me and when it gets bad I don’t get out of bed or leave the house. I can’t be productive, I gain weight and I piss off my friends. On top of that I grew up with dysgraphia, ADHD and a severe form of obsessive compulsive disorder now known as Tourettic COD.  Because of this I was a weird fucking kid who struggled in school and got picked on constantly until I was 16 or 17. That shit does not help with depression I promise.

As an adult I still have issues with depression and ADD but computers help a lot with the dysgraphia and with a lot of behavioral therapy I am very incontrol of my OCD. I still feel it every day, especially right now as I think about it but it’s very manageable. I feel very lucky not to have suicidal thoughts or many of the personality disorders, anxiety or mania that a lot of my friends have but it’s not been an easy life despite the massive amount of privilege I’ve had as an upper middle class straight white male.

So there you go, now you know a little bit about my mental illness and now maybe you can relate and maybe you can tell someone else about your problems. Bring this shit out of the closet and if you are feeling bad tell someone. There’s always someone who will be there for you even if you don’t think there is.

I don’t even know what else to say but I fucking miss you January and I don’t wanna see any more of my friends take their own life. I can’t fucking deal with it anymore.

Anyway, I wanna share with you the first and only photo shoot January and I ever did. When she died I was looking for a photo to post and I realized I had never put these photos up. I felt like I had to get them up right away in her honor. I know she really liked the photos she saw.

Now here’s the point where I would normally tell you that are some extra photos on my app but I obviously am not going to plug my bullshit in a post like this so instead of signing up for my app, take a moment to donate some money to American Foundation For Suicide Prevention or another mental health charity. Or if nothing else, just hug someone you care about. You never know when it’s gonna be the last time.

Click here to see the first and last photo shoot I ever did with my amazing friend January Seraph. Rest in peace. 

January Seraph

January Seraph

January Seraph

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AVN House Party – 7.13.17

I have made it back to NYC and I have just a few days before I leave again for the god damn Gathering of the Juggalos. I got a ton of books to ship (buy my book!) and a lot to do in the next 5 days so I am gonna try to make this quick.

One week ago today I was in LA I hit the AVN House Party deep in the valley. AVN if you aren’t aware is the number one magazine covering the adult industry but they also do a ton of shit including throwing the AVN Awards that I have been covering for a decade. They also wrote a great review of my book!

My LA book release party was the next day and a room full of porn stars seemed like the perfect excuse to promote the book party so I hit up my friends at LA Weekly so I could make a little money while also trying to convince cute girls to come to my party. It worked out pretty well because I met Gia Paige who came to the party and hit on me and we took photos and hung out and I think now she might be coming to the Gathering of the Juggalos with me which is probably a terrible mistake but don’t tell her that because I am real psyched about it.

Anyway, there are a lot of pretty photos of pretty people in here and there is a bunch of nudity because porn stars like being naked. Oh, I should also mention that they announced Angela White and Harli Lotts are going to be the next hosts of the AVN Awards which was sort of the point of the party.

Click here to see all my NSFW photos from the 2017 AVN House Party.

AVN House Party

AVN House Party

AVN House Party

AVN House Party

AVN House Party

AVN House Party

AVN House Party

AVN House Party

 

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Instaxxx LA Release Party – 7.14.17

Last night I threw the second and last Instaxxx release party. The NYC one was fun, the LA version was fucking insane. I am always stressed out when I throw parties and there was plenty of shit to get stressed out over but the party was actually really good and I would have had a ton of fun if I wasn’t the one throwing it.

Superchief Gallery LA is such a great space in DTLA and I am really glad I threw the party there. That being said they don’t really have a DJ set up and apparently I either borrowed the wrong stuff or not enough stuff so Carter Cruise had to DJ off iTunes. It was pretty hilarious but she kinda killed it anyway. When her set was over she was laughing about how she only had the music on her Itunes cloud and so she ran out of music “at some point I just played an A-Trak mix for 2o minutes.”  Sorry Carter!

By the time Kate Mo$$ played it was already after 10 and the party was supposed to end at 10. It did not. Kate Mo$$ played a short insane set that was pretty perfect for the party. I unfortunately missed half of it cause I was doing shit but I am really glad they came out. It was total madness.

Joseline Kelly played after that and then I took photo of her in a bathroom cause the bathrooms at Superchief are grimy and cool looking so clearly I had to shoot some photos in there.

Speaking of girls in bathrooms, huge thanks to Charlotte Sartre and Riley Nixon for hanging out topless on a couch all night. Not sure the photo booth worked exactly how we planned it but it made the party a lot more fun.

I think that’s it. Thanks to everyone who came out and partied with me and thanks to everyone who bought a book. If you are in LA and still want one get at me quick cause I have about 10 more books than I want to take home with me.

Buy a book here.

Oh, and also I should mention that these photos have an unreasonable amount of nudity in them. Enjoy.

Click here to see the NSFW photos from the Instaxxx LA release party at Superchief Gallery LA.

Instaxxx LA Release PartyInstaxxx LA Release PartyInstaxxx LA Release PartyInstaxxx LA Release PartyInstaxxx LA Release PartyInstaxxx LA Release PartyInstaxxx LA Release Party

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Instaxxx LA Release Party

Just figured I would do a post about the LA book release party. It’s essentially just the email I sent to my book’s Kickstarter backers but I got shit to do so sorry for being repetitive…

The party is on Friday at Superchief LA. 7-10pm although we will probably go a bit late. Should be a hell of a party.

Once again all three DJs are in the book. Porn babes Carter Cruise and Joseline Kelly probably make more music than they do porn and my friend Ivy Diamond is gonna be opening the night. I actually once shot her at the very location we’re having the party.

We also have a special set from Kate Mo$$ which should probably be insane. Just google them and look at the pictures and be prepared from some wild shit.

We are once again doing an Instax photo booth and I got Charlotte Sartre and Riley Nixon there to take naked photos with. Oddly I haven’t figured out a photographer yet but that should be pretty easy.

The party is free and there is free beer and it should be a lot of fun. Hope to see some of you soon! Here’s the flyer. The end.

Instaxxx LA Flyer

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2017 Brooklyn Zombie Crawl – 7.2.17

Meant to get these Brooklyn Zombie Crawl pics up a few days ago but let’s just say I was a little bit preoccupied shipping out hundreds of books this week before I head to LA tomorrow for the LA Instaxxx book release. Let’s just say it’s been a crazy fucking few weeks. I have been working non-stop on Instaxxx so the zombie crawl was a nice break on Sunday.

The crawl started at the Charleston in Williamsburg where we were greeted by zombie Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD and Ben Kissel from the horror podcast Last Podcast On The Left. Kissel is running for Brooklyn Borough President was the “grand marshall” of the zombie crawl. I don’t know enough about him to endorse him but he’s for criminal justice reform and a quick look at his Twitter has progressive Tweets about immigration and LGBQT issues so I am on board with all that. Plus Borough Presidents don’t really have a lot of power so voting for him probably couldn’t hurt… although anyone who has been endorsed by Gary Johnson worries me a little bit.

We left the Charleston around 6:30 and walked to McCarren Park. For some reason there were a bunch of Guardian Angels with us which was kinda cool given that I don’t think I have seen one in the entire time I have lived in NYC. Glad they are still around. We stopped at the park quickly for a group photo and then headed to Greenpoint to stop for drinks at A-Bar. I haven’t been there since the opening, but I ran into a few friends there who had no idea the undead were coming.

From A-Bar we hit Brooklyn Bazaar for the after party where we were met by come competitive eaters in town for the 4th of July including my friend Tim “Gravy” Brown and Michelle Lesco who came in second in the women’s Coney Island Hot Dog Eating contest. Competitive eating legend Badlands Booker was there too but he was there for the entire zombie crawl.

I didn’t take a ton of photos at the after party because my band actually played it but I got some shots of the other bands including Jess O’Lantern, J and The 9’s, and Uncle Jake and the 18 Wheel Gang. Plus my friend Lunchbox did some horrifying sideshow shit and “Everything is Terrible!” headlined with their insane video projections and super weird performance. I wish I could explain the whole thing but I was back stage getting ready for our show. All I know is that they are building a pyramid of Jerry Maguire VHS tapes and I wanna fucking see that shit.

Anyway, my band closed out the night and I ate a raw potato on stage for the two dozen people who suck around after Everything Is Terrible. I have no idea how the potato got on stage but let me tell you, don’t eat a raw potato like an apple because it tastes terrible and it makes it quite difficult to sing.

I gotta pack for LA now. I will post again when I have all the details of the LA Instaxxx book release party worked out but it’s July 14th if you happen to be around. Go look at zombie photos now.

Click here for photos from the 2017 Brooklyn Zombie Crawl!

Brooklyn Zombie Crawl

Brooklyn Zombie Crawl

Brooklyn Zombie Crawl

Brooklyn Zombie Crawl

Brooklyn Zombie Crawl

Brooklyn Zombie Crawl

Brooklyn Zombie Crawl

Brooklyn Zombie Crawl

Brooklyn Zombie Crawl

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