I am back. Did you miss me? I was in DC for a few days getting new sleeping pills, returning my parents car and having awkward adventures with strippers. Since I last rapped at ya I have also solved some mysteries, broke my phone and spent an afternoon interviewing homeless people about what they are doing to save the environment.
So where to begin?
Let’s start with the strippers. I didn’t have any plans for my trip to DC, but I had to be there on Wednesday for a doctors appointment so I could get more sleeping pills. My brother also has my parents car so I was driving that back. I left NYC Tuesday night and was getting close to DC around 11. I sent a few texts out but hadn’t heard from anyone. My friend Nikita (You can tell she is a stripper already…) finally texted me back. She used to be a Burning Angel but since I saw her last she got giant fake boobs and a neon orange spay on tan. She told me her and her sister (also a stripper) were hanging out at some club in DC with some dudes who were buying them bottles. This didn’t seem like my scene, but I had nothing else to do, and this seemed completely weird. When I got to the club the bouncer seemed confused to why a white dude in skinny jeans would be at his club, but I texted Nikita and the manager came out and walked me in. He said, when you get up the stairs their table is on the left, you can’t miss them.
There were a few reasons why I couldn’t miss them. To start with the four of them were the only white people in the whole place. I am not sure this would have been quite as noticeable if the girls were not dancing on the table drinking champagne out of the bottle. On top of that, the guys they were with were the most stereotypical bros ever. They were both wearing the exact same clothes: jeans, leather shoes and black button ups with some sort of glittery illustration on the back. They pretty much ignored me all night. My friend Nikita kept whispering in my ear about how big of douche bags these guys were and how they were just using them for free booze. I just sort of sat there and took the whole thing. The girls would try to dance on me, and the bros would look pissed, so I sort of sat to myself just listening to the music and watching everyone in the club. It was nice to just get to relax and not take photos for a change and watching these guys flirt with the stripper sisters and think they were going to get laid was priceless. Everyone was wasted but me so Nikita asked me if I would drive them home so they could avoid these guys and the DUI waiting to happen.
At some point in the night, probably during a Jay Z song since all they played was Jay Z and Lil Wayne, some guy at the club saw Nikita dancing and walked over like he was going to smack her ass. He was just trying to impress his friends and I thought it was really funny so I grabbed Nikita and got her to let him smack her ass. All of his friends took photos. I talked to his crew for a second and around last call they came back over to our booth. The girls demanded the guys buy them shots and when they wouldn’t she started making fun of their clothes and started calling them out for being broke. The bros we were with decided they should step in which caused an altercation that required bouncers to break it up. There were a lot of threats and we ended up having to stay in the club after it was closed so we wouldn’t get jumped outside. While we were waiting I pulled out my camera and took photos of the girls flashing the bouncers and climbing all over everything in the bar. One of the bar backs pulled off his pants and was chasing the girls around. It was pretty amusing. I was asked not to post any of the pictures, so unfortunately I can’t.
Once the coast was clear and the $400 bill was paid it got really awkward. From the beginning these guys were not happy that I had joined their party. They thought I was cock blocking them. Little did they know that they had no chance anyway. Nikita thought they were douche bags and her sister is engaged. These guys were completely wasted and the started calling me Eye Ball because I was wearing my Mishka Keep Watch jacket. When they went to pull around their car (It was completely pouring raining out) the girls told me they were coming with me. They told the guys to meet us at some IHOP in Virginia about 20 minutes South of the city. These bros were pissed that they were going with me, but they said they would give us a ride to my car. When I got in their SUV they were blasting some horrible Euro house CD at top volume. There were beer cans at my feet and they had snuck half a bottle of champagne out of the club and it was now in their cup holder. I tried to explain where my car was but they were belligerently wasted at this point. The guy slammed the car in reverse and the car jumped the curb and nearly crashed into the club. He mashed it into drive and the car just stalled which is pretty hard to do in an automatic. He slammed on the gas, swerved across the road and nearly passed the turn when I screamed at him to turn right. He did but not before nearly crashing into a pick up truck. He was inches away from it and parked diagonally in the street. When we got out he sped down the street, ran a red light and busted a U-Turn in the middle of an intersection came back the opposite way towards us up a one way street and disappeared. I said something about him getting arrested for drunk driving at which point I found out that he was a cop. Holy shit.
After all that the night ended pretty anti-climatically. We went to IHOP. The dudes never showed up. Nikita’s sister started smoking inside, flashed the waiter and I had an egg nog pancake. I drove them home and ended up stuck in 90 minutes of early morning rush hour traffic headed back towards DC.
Since that story took way longer than I meant it to, I am going to save my homeless interview story for another time. The long-short of it is that I am working on some article for Vice about the people who collect bottles and cans out of the trash to get the recycling deposits. I hope it turns out well. Anyway, I have a crazy week a head of me so if it is a bit slow around here I apologize. I will do my best to keep you entertained. I’m going to go now, and just leave you with that story. Okay fine, I can’t do that… I will give you one picture, but be warned, it’s pretty tame.