Coming Soon…

As I mentioned, this is pretty much one of the busiest weeks of my life.  I have to leave my house by 6:30 and I didn’t get nearly enough stuff done today. I just felt you guys needed some sort of update today, I mean, it is Halloween and all… And besides, the photos I am shooting tonight I don’t think I can even publish.  You guys are really getting screwed here.  So in defense of you, here is a tiny preview of what is to come as soon as I get a minute to breath, which will either be around 5am tonight, Sunday night or more likely some time Monday.  I am also going to link these two photos below to extra spooky Halloween videos. So click them and prepared to be scared.  But yeah, coming soon are shots from last night at Webster Hall.  Simian Mobile Disco was upstairs and a NSFW Burning Angel spectacular was down stairs. Get excited.

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DC Chillin’

I am back. Did you miss me? I was in DC for a few days getting new sleeping pills, returning my parents car and having awkward adventures with strippers. Since I last rapped at ya I have also solved some mysteries, broke my phone and spent an afternoon interviewing homeless people about what they are doing to save the environment.

So where to begin?

Let’s start with the strippers.  I didn’t have any plans for my trip to DC, but I had to be there on Wednesday for a doctors appointment so I could get more sleeping pills.  My brother also has my parents car so I was driving that back.  I left NYC Tuesday night and was getting close to DC around 11. I sent a few texts out but hadn’t heard from anyone.  My friend Nikita (You can tell she is a stripper already…) finally texted me back. She used to be a Burning Angel but since I saw her last she got giant fake boobs and a neon orange spay on tan.  She told me her and her sister (also a stripper) were hanging out at some club in DC with some dudes who were buying them bottles. This didn’t seem like my scene, but I had nothing else to do, and this seemed completely weird. When I got to the club the bouncer seemed confused to why a white dude in skinny jeans would be at his club, but I texted Nikita and the manager came out and walked me in. He said, when you get up the stairs their table is on the left, you can’t miss them.

There were a few reasons why I couldn’t miss them.  To start with the four of them were the only white people in the whole place.  I am not sure this would have been quite as noticeable if the girls were not dancing on the table drinking champagne out of the bottle. On top of that, the guys they were with were the most stereotypical bros ever. They were both wearing the exact same clothes: jeans, leather shoes and black button ups with some sort of glittery illustration on the back. They pretty much ignored me all night.  My friend Nikita kept whispering in my ear about how big of douche bags these guys were and how they were just using them for free booze. I just sort of sat there and took the whole thing.  The girls would try to dance on me, and the bros would look pissed, so I sort of sat to myself just listening to the music and watching everyone in the club.  It was nice to just get to relax and not take photos for a change and watching these guys flirt with the stripper sisters and think they were going to get laid was priceless.  Everyone was wasted but me so Nikita asked me if I would drive them home so they could avoid these guys and the DUI waiting to happen.

At some point in the night, probably during a Jay Z song since all they played was Jay Z and Lil Wayne, some guy at the club saw Nikita dancing and walked over like he was going to smack her ass.  He was just trying to impress his friends and I thought it was really funny so I grabbed Nikita and got her to let him smack her ass.  All of his friends took photos. I talked to his crew for a second and around last call they came back over to our booth. The girls demanded the guys buy them shots and when they wouldn’t she started making fun of their clothes and started calling them out for being broke.  The bros we were with decided they should step in which caused an altercation that required bouncers to break it up.  There were a lot of threats and we ended up having to stay in the club after it was closed so we wouldn’t get jumped outside. While we were waiting I pulled out my camera and took photos of the girls flashing the bouncers and climbing all over everything in the bar. One of the bar backs pulled off his pants and was chasing the girls around. It was pretty amusing. I was asked not to post any of the pictures, so unfortunately I can’t.

Once the coast was clear and the $400 bill was paid it got really awkward. From the beginning these guys were not happy that I had joined their party. They thought I was cock blocking them.  Little did they know that they had no chance anyway. Nikita thought they were douche bags and her sister is engaged.  These guys were completely wasted and the started calling me Eye Ball because I was wearing my Mishka Keep Watch jacket. When they went to pull around their car (It was completely pouring raining out) the girls told me they were coming with me.  They told the guys to meet us at some IHOP in Virginia about 20 minutes South of the city. These bros were pissed that they were going with me, but they said they would give us a ride to my car.  When I got in their SUV they were blasting some horrible Euro house CD at top volume. There were beer cans at my feet and they had snuck half a bottle of champagne out of the club and it was now in their cup holder. I tried to explain where my car was but they were belligerently wasted at this point. The guy slammed the car in reverse and the car jumped the curb and nearly crashed into the club.  He mashed it into drive and the car just stalled which is pretty hard to do in an automatic.  He slammed on the gas, swerved across the road and nearly passed the turn when I screamed at him to turn right. He did but not before nearly crashing into a pick up truck. He was inches away from it and parked diagonally in the street.  When we got out he sped down the street, ran a red light and busted a U-Turn in the middle of an intersection came back the opposite way towards us up a one way street and disappeared. I  said something about him getting arrested for drunk driving at which point I found out that he was a cop.  Holy shit.

After all that the night ended pretty anti-climatically. We went to IHOP. The dudes never showed up. Nikita’s sister started smoking inside, flashed the waiter and I had an egg nog pancake. I drove them home and ended up stuck in 90 minutes of early morning rush hour traffic headed back towards DC.

Since that story took way longer than I meant it to, I am going to save my homeless interview story for another time. The long-short of it is that I am working on some article for Vice about the people who collect bottles and cans out of the trash to get the recycling deposits. I hope it turns out well.  Anyway, I have a crazy week a head of me so if it is a bit slow around here I apologize. I will do my best to keep you entertained.  I’m going to go now, and just leave you with that story.  Okay fine, I can’t do that… I will give you one picture, but be warned, it’s pretty tame.

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Obey Your Thirst

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Dolfans NYC

I told people I would stop talking about football on here and Twitter for a while and the Dolphins had a bye so I held up my end of the deal for two weeks, but today three Dolphin events came together requiring a post.  I am sorry, but it had to be done, and when you watch the video below you will probably never be able look me in the eye again.

So let’s start with the easy one.  It’s Sunday and my Dolphins are playing the New Orleans Saints which somehow appear to be the best team in football right now.  We will probably lose, but if we win, I will probably be wearing my Dolphins sweater every day for the next week.  I can’t wait till 4:15PM.

Second Dolphin related event was that Daniel Baxter came out to our last game against the Jets because he lives a few blocks away from Third & Long the sports bar where we hold our Dolphins watching parties.  You have seen a bunch of his nightlife films on here and I asked him to bring his camera. He took a lot of footage of me losing my shit in victory.  He also filmed us a few weeks ago when we lost a game we had every right to win. I also lost my shit then.  Hopefully, he is going to combine the videos into some sort of sad documentary on the mental illness that is my obsession with the Miami Dolphins. In the mean time he sent me a little clip from the Jets game. The sound is pretty fucked up, but let’s just say if you know me at all, this is not something you want to miss.  For those of you who don’t know me, I am the guy who is screaming at the camera.

Thirdly today is the launch of DolfansNYC.com.  It took me months to convince four separate people to build a website for me for free.  As of a week ago I didn’t think it was close to ready and our second designer was getting married and had to quit.  Fortunately the DBB web guy Thadd, and the new web guy of another unnamed site I run came in and saved the day.  Thadd got the site up this morning and we are victorious.  I am pretty sure you guys could not care less about this fan club and fan club blog I started, but if nothing else it will give me a place to talk Dolphins away from this site and leave you guys naked people and party pictures which is all you seem to ever want.   But on second thought… you should check out the site anyway.

Anyway, enjoy this crazy video with painful sound… It is the happiest you will ever see me:

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Mishka 2010 Calendar Release – 10.22.09

As I mentioned in the post talking about this event, I am pro everyone involved with the Mishka 2010 calendar. Mishka provides me with about 25% of my wardrobe, my girl Ellen Stagg shot the thing and I know a lot of the girls who get naked in it. Three girls were signing last night, Burning Angels Jessie Lee and Nicole and lesbian porn superstar Justine Joli. I was glad to see all those kids. I mean Jessie Lee is my home girl and is never in NYC anymore, Nicole is sort of my ex and I hadn’t seen her in far too long and Justine is just pretty awesome. Last night was only the second time I met her but I sort of want to be best friends with her now. Mishka was packed last night with everyone trying to check out Ellen’s work on the wall and get a copy of the calendar. I was just excited because the Mishka flagship at 350 Broadway happens to be 3 blocks from my house and I barely had to crawl out of my apartment. I hadn’t slept in 2 days and had just sprayed Diet Coke and Mentos all over my friend so I was sort of losing my mind. The party was a damn good time no matter how insane I was feeling.

I should plug the calendar a little bit more cause it gives me an excuse to plug alt-naked girl sites that I work with and pay me if you guys sign up… So fucking sign up. But yeah, aside from Justine and Burning Angels the calendar also features naked Suicide Girls & Gods Girls (well, at least one of each) and your less alt porn stars like Asia Akira and Charlotte Stokely. Also my girl Joanna Angel is on the cover. Amazing.

So yeah, click here to see all the photos… and for the record, while no one gets naked in this gallery, there are shots of Ellen’s work and the calendar so I think we can safely say that these pictures are not safe for work.

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Fools Gold Party – 10.22.09

I didn’t sleep at all yesterday so by the time I was at this Fools Gold party I was sort of out of my mind.  I am not sure exactly why I went, but I didn’t stay very long.  I think I went because I really like the space there on N. 8th.  I hope that spot sticks around and maybe gets a name one day. I am not really going to say anything else about it, cause I wasn’t really there long enough, but I did take a few photos I like so maybe you should check them all out by clicking here.

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I’m Guybrush Threepwood; Mighty Pirate

This video probably won’t make any sense to you unless you are a fan of the Monkey Island series of video games. That being said, you still get to see someone spray a 2 liter of soda all over a really cute girl wearing a fake beard made out of ribbons.

I will try to explain anyway. I don’t play video games.  The last system was the original game boy that I bought using my saved up allowance money in 1987 or 88. That being said this game called Monkey Island was my favorite video game ever back then and they keep making new ones.  Every time a new one comes out I play it despite my anti-gaming policy. Tell Tale Games just brought Monkey Island back after a long hiatus and I have been playing it.  I was on their blog looking to see when the next chapter (The new game, Tales of Monkey Island is separated into 5 chapters) when I saw that they were having a halloween contest. I had no plans on entering as the prize is a video game system (and not a 20 year old Game Boy). But I saw some Mentos at the bodega by my apartment and for some reason it instantly gave me the idea of hosing one of my friends down in Diet Coke. In the Secret of Monkey Island Guybrush Threepwood (mighty pirate) kills his nemesis the evil ghost pirate LeChuck with Voodoo root beer and when I saw the Mentos the other day I thought that spraying someone would be pretty perfect. I went on Twitter and posted a message asking if anyone wanted to dress like a pirate and get sprayed with Diet Coke (masquerading as Voodoo root beer). My friend Samantha texted me within 5 minutes of the post and came over the next day. We thought since it was halloween it would be easy to find a pirate costume… it was not. We spent 90 minutes walking around Southside Willamsburg trying to find a costume and by the time we gave up and went super ghetto by taping ribbon to her face it was dark out. Luckily my neighbor OJ was home and we found a street lamp to stand under.

This drunken homeless dude kept interrupting us while taping screaming about Williamsburg, beer and weed. It was pretty intense. You will hear him in the video. After we finished he bought a beer from a bodega and chased us down the block trying to pour beer on Sam. His argument “It’s only Coors Light!” Touche.

So yeah, that is the story.  This video is super weird but the money shot is really worth watching.  I bust that Diet Coke all over her face.  It is pretty graphic.  It even got up her nose!  Enjoy the weirdness.

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Teddy Blanks & Happy Endings – 10.20.09

So it’s CMJ week and it’s looking like I may skip most of the festivities this year, but I did make it over to Pete’s Candy Store to check out my boy Teddy Blanks.  I am not sure why CMJ picked Pete’s Candy Store as a venue because you could probably play a better show in my bedroom.  Teddy doesn’t have a very big draw so I didn’t mind the small room, but he had to go home and get speakers from his stereo because they only had two small speakers and a monitor.  Teddy doesn’t use amps or drums, so the sound was inadequate.  On top of that the “sound booth” was a mixer nailed to the wall.  Teddy had to do his sound while he was on stage.  It was a very strange set up. Teddy overcame however despite that fact that he had only the right channel working and ended up playing a pretty good show.

After Teddy’s show I headed over to Happy Endings and pretty much hung out outside for the rest of the night.  I did go inside for a bit but I was out of there by 315 and home full of crepes by 345. It was a pretty uneventful way to start CMJ week, but there are a bunch of pictures.  You can click here to check them out of course…

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Mishka 2010 Calendar

So I have to plug this event.  On Thursday Mishka is releasing their 2010 calendar.  This brings about a meeting of all sorts of people I love. Let’s start with Mishka.  Since I spend $0 a year on clothes (Not including shoes…) most of my wardrobe consists of Mishka stuff.  I shot a look book for them a while back and now they give me all the eyeball related garb I could ever want.  I really dig their clothes and the stuff they are doing, like the Creepy Touch web series that just finished starring my man Toilet Cobra.

Next you have the photographer, the lovely Ellen Stagg.  If you were to design the perfect girl for me she would pretty closely resemble Ellen. She is super hot, totally insane and an awesome photographer. Plus she runs her own porn site. How can you not love that.

Thirdly, you have the naked girls in the calendar. The girls are hand selected from Ellen’s stable of alt chicks an adult models including Suicide Girls, Burning Angels and Gods Girls. My home girl Joanna Angel is on the cover and my ex Nicole is in there somewhere I think.  Nicole actually happens to be October of the 2009 calendar so as I type this her nipples and her are staring back at me. It also has Justine Joli who might be the most adorable thing on Earth.  The only time I met her we talked for less than five minutes and still managed to graphically discus our sex lives.

Oh, the other awesome thing about this party?  It is two blocks away from my house in Southside Williamsburg.  You bitches are gonna have to get on the J train if you want to party with porn stars. So come out and check out out takes from the calendar, meet cute girls and buy some shit.  We can party at my house after. It should be a good time.  Info below:

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